Lighten General Discussion with Jokes

A boss calls an absent employee.
Boss: Why aren’t you at work today?
Employee: Bicycle!
Boss: What? What do you mean “bicycle”?
Employee: I’m too tired.

------------------------------------------------------

A boss calls an absent employee.
Boss: Why aren’t you at work today?
Employee: I’m having a vision problem.
Boss: What’s the problem?
Employee: I can’t see myself coming to work today.

------------------------------------------------------

A boss calls an absent employee.
Boss: Why aren’t you at work today?
Employee: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Boss: What? Have you seen a doctor?
Employee: No, just spots.

 

If you’re very religious, you might not want to continue.

- Noah !!
- Yes, my Lord ?
- Noah, you did good job with your ark, and I’m glad with it.
- Oh, Thank you my Lord.
- Don’t interrup me Noah !! Now, I want you to build another ark.
- It’s a lot of Work, my..
- NOAH !!
- Hmm, hmm
- I want you to build another ark, but slightly different from the first one. I would like it to be devoted to carps exclusively.
- CARPS ? But they’re stupid fishes and….
- AND, I would like it to be built on seven levels.
- My Lord, I’m afraid I don’t understand. Seven levels filled with carps. What have they done so specials you want to save them all from flood. And also, they can swim, where many others can’t, and…
- Uhh, I know, God only knows, but what I mean is that all my life I wanted to own a multistorey carp ark..

 

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..... The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

 

More Democratic promices:

It was election time, again. So, a Democrat decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

The Democrat had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Moen! Moen!"

The Democrat was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Moen! Moen!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Moen! Moen! Moen!"

After the speech, the Democrat was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the Moen."

 

The Transition
A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, Danr came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said "I'd like to see President Clinton.

The Marine politely answered "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."

So Danr said, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.

The next day the Marine was again on duty and the Danr approached and again asked to see President Clinton.

The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."

Again Danr answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.

The next day Danr approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton.

The Marine, a little annoyed, said "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"

"Yes, I do" said Danr, "But I just enjoy hearing it."

The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."

 

Not all the jokes in it are funny but this thread made me laugh out loud at how it all turned into political jokes and jabs!

 

Not one of my own jokes but a good joke in my mind anyway. This is for all the vets safely at home and lurkers who may be on a base out there somewhere protecting our way of life.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

 

Subject: Old rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster by the name of Moen, for his chicken coop. Moen struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster Moen says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins get the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, I'm 6'3" and can whip your ass any day, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the Moen takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and Moen has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster Moen to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "DamnÖÖ.third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?......
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

Teacher's Day
On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is....some flowers."

"That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy."

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!" :goofer:

 

:goof: puppy pee. yuck. good jokes though

 

Two cows were standing in a field.
The first one asks "Are you worried about that mad cow disease?"
The second cow says "Why should I worry about that? I'm an airplane."

 

Three Bulls (standing in the same field as the cows)

Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull. The largest of the three said,"Well, he ain't getting none of my cows." The medium bull said,"He ain't getting none of my cows." The little bull said,"Well, if he ain't getting any of yours, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine." Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He's big and ****ed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says,"He can have my cows," the medium bull says,"He can have mine, too." The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on."What's with you?" the other two asked."I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!"