Lighten General Discussion with Jokes

q: how do you get republicans to church?

a: why go to church when you can force it in the schools?

 

We can sure tell you never plagiarized this from any where!

 

Rick, loved these so much, I thought they deserved to be moved to the second page of this thread too. Republican hippocracy knows no end. I think Orwell predicted most of this in "1984". The book not the year my republican friends.

 

funny you should say that, because that was the only joke I didn't plagiarize, although it's not very original.

 

Better question: How do Democrats get to church?

A: In a hearse.

 

Yeah, I can't see a Republican driving a hearse either.

 

"Yeah, I can't see a Republican driving a hearse either", Moen.

If Republicans tend to have higher paying jobs then Democrats and higher paying jobs reflect higher intelligence that proves that Republicans are smarter then Democrats.

If Republicans tend to have higher paying jobs then Democrats and higher paying jobs reflect being more aggressive then that proves that Republicans are the hunters,(the providers), and the Democrats are the sheep,(the followers).

Moen:

OldDan's jokes are the best by the Republicans.

My jokes are best by the Independents.

And the Democrats are just a joke.

I am so funny before a hurricane hits.

 

You mean, like Elmer Fudd? I can see that...

 

My all time fave.. if you read one read this one

one day in sunday school, mary (who liked to sleep) and johnny (who liked to prank) were in class. Mary always sat in front of johnny, slept through the first part of the lesson. The teacher noticed her sleeping and she said, so mary, who was the messiah? and little johnny poked her with a safety pin and she said " JESUS " The teacher was astounded, and mary slept on. Later on in the lesson, she asked who the Creator of the world was, and sure enough, johnny poked her with the pin again, and she screamed " GOD ". So, once more, she asked a harder question. Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after she bore her 43rd child? And johnny poked her, and she cried " IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF!!"

 

"You mean, like Elmer Fudd? I can see that...Rick"

That was a good one Rick.

 

Higher paying jobs most certainly do not reflect higher intelligence. I'm sure that you were just joking. The examples of highly educated and intelligent people being paid squat are too numerous to list.

Again flawed logic or simply a joke. Higher paying jobs can be the result of, 1) The old-boy network, 2) Family connections, 3) Nepotism. I think taking a lower paying job can show that you worship something other than money. Higher ideals, a desire to help the less fortunate, a willingness to make society be a better place to live.

A hurricane is not a joke. Be safe!

 

Moen, I like how you inverted my comments until they were no longer my comments yet you still used my name.

Are you sure you not some ACLU left to the left wing lawyer.

 

Actually didn't mean to do that. Just tired and forgot to remove the "

 

A man sat in his car eating lunch and listening to his radio. Across the street he watched two men engaging in what appeared to be rather peculiar behavior. They both had shovels. One man would dig a hole about four feet from the curb, go down the road about 20 feet, and repeat. The second man was following along behind him, filling the holes back in with the loose dirt.

The man in the car couldn’t figure out what the point of this apparently counter-productive behavior was. As he finished his lunch, his curiosity overcame him and he got out of his car and approached the two men.

“What are you two doing ? Looks like you’re just digging holes and filling them in. What’s going on ?”

The digger replied, “Well, my name’s Jed. I dig the holes. This here’s Justin, he fills them in. And Homer, he’s not here today, he’s home sick, but he plants the trees.”

 

Osama bin Laden at the Pearly Gates

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George
Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you
try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I
allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of
Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and
said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

 

Thats a good one Dan.

Ok now.

1. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb.

None. They will just stand around and wait for the government to do it.

2. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb.

None. They would hire an illegal mexican to do it and then give him a work permit.

See I am an independent but lately I have been voting Republican for even if I disagree with then at least they are getting stuff done.

 

This one is dedicated to grade school teachers with masters degrees:

After years of raising donkeys, an old farmer discovered an unusually intelligent animal.

He remembered stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves. Thinking his donkey was smarter than any horse, he went a step further and taught him to multiply and divide.

The farmer was sure the public would pay to se his amazing donkey, so he sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal’s mental prowess.

Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkiey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.

 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast

 

I saw this one the other day and me laugh. Also in light of the previous posts, this one should keep it "political"

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

 

ok this joke isn't mine so it might be funny.

The pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight seeing.

He was crusing along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods. a helpless Democrat wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales/Bush Lied" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing about as he was trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them then threw it onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democrat environmentalists but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the pope drove off one of the loggers asked "who was the jew wearing the yamukka and driving the funny car".
The second logger stated, "That was no jew it was the pope and he is in direct contact with god and has access to all of god's wisdom".
Well the third logger stated, The pope may have access to God's wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting".
"By the way" asked the first logger," is the bait holding up or do we need to go back to town and snatch another one".