Lighten General Discussion with Jokes

Lets have one or two of your favorite jokes. If they're any good ones, I'll promise to post my all-time favorite joke. It's a long one so make worth my poor bloody finger tips. I'll start:

A man is walking down the sidewalk and see a dentist office and walks in.
He says, "Doctor! I think I'm a moth".
Dentist: "Well, it sounds like you need a psychiatrist. I'm dentist. Why'd you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on".

 

You should have asked me about jokes....I write an article for a magazine that goes to over 300 people and my page is jokes....its a small magazine that my sister and friend put together---

Two hunters were out in the woods. One says, “Did you see that?” The other said, “Nope, what?” “A bald eagle just flew right above your head.” As they went a little farther, the first one said, “Did you see that?” “Nope” came the reply again. “A black bear just ran right in front of you.” As they went on walking, the first one said, “Did you see that?” By this time the second guy was getting weary of this, so he said, “Yes, I saw it!”. The first guy said, “Then why in the world did you step in it?”

A new porter in Paris was instructed by the manager that it was important to call the guests by their names, in order to make them feel welcome and that the easiest way to find out their names was to look on their luggage. Armed with this advice, the porter took up two guests to their rooms, put down their bags and said, “I ‘ope you ‘ave a ‘appy stay ‘ere in Paris, Mr. and Mrs. Genuine Cow ‘ide.”

As the funeral cortege reached the top of the hill the rear door came open. To the horrors of the mourners, the coffin slid out and then preceded to bounce and clatter it’s way down the hill! At the bottom of the hill it’s speed carried it right through the open doorway of a drugstore where, before the appalled gaze of the druggist, it crashed into the counter causing the lid to spring open. “For goodness’ sake!”, said the corpse, “Give me something to stop this coffin…”

Three guys got married at the same time. One married a girl from New York, and he told his bride, “Now, when I come home I want to find the house clean and a hot meal waiting on me.” The first day he came home from work and there was the house clean and a hot meal waiting. The second guy told his wife from Nebraska, “When I come home I want to find the laundry done, the house clean, and a hot meal waiting.” The first day he came home, and there was the laundry done, the house clean, and a hot meal waiting. The third guy married a girl from Kentucky. He told his bride, “Now when I come home I want to find the house clean, the laundry done, a hot meal waiting, and oh yeah, mow the grass too.” The first day he couldn’t see anything. The second day he could see a little bit better, and by the third day the swelling had gone down so much he could see pretty good.

Alright....sorry I saw this thread.....

Speedy

 

I just couldn't resist this




An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES!

Love, Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

 

One more -


"The Consultant"

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd...

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says.......

"You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."

 

Well here we go!

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR,
AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED ," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID
"ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT
NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED" MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50
DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU
A DEAL I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET
FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT
IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL
KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID
ALL HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A
WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID " BY
GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU
DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED" WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER
FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."


or maybe this one:

UNANSWERED PRAYER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always
paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of
his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

 

A golfer goes to his priest for confession.

“Father, I have sinned. I was playing golf last Sunday and I used the ‘F’ word.”

“Tell me how it happened, my son.”

“I was on the 18th hole and I hit a beautiful drive off the tee straight down the middle, and then the ball hit a rock on the fairway and bounded over to the rough.”

“Is that when you used the ‘F’ word?”

“No. As the ball rolled around in the rough, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball and started running for a tree.”

“Is that when you cursed ?”

“No. Please don’t interrupt, father, I’m trying to tell you what happened. Before the squirrel could get to the tree, a hawk swooped down and grabbed the squirrel, and the squirrel was still clutching the ball.”

“Is that when you used the ‘F’ word?”

“No. As the hawk was flying away, the squirrel dropped the ball and it landed twelve inches from the cup.”

Now the priest screams at him: “Don't tell me you missed the (freaking) putt !”

 

O.K. This is my favorite irreverent joke of all time. I still laugh every time that I tell it to anyone. Bear with me, it’s kind of long but worth the wait. If you’re very religious, you might not want to continue.

The scene: Jesus being crucified on the cross on top of the mount surrounded by Roman soldiers and a crowd of onlookers. In the crowd are the apostles and Mary. Peter is comforting a bereaved Mary while wait for Jesus to die. Suddenly, Peter hears something over the crowd noise.
”Peeeeeeeeeter!”
Peter says, “Oh, the last words of my Lord I must hear them.”
Peter begins to run up the hill toward the cross when the Roman soldiers see him and knock him down and kick him and beat him until he rolls down the hill in a heap. He lays there for a couple of minutes when he once again hears,
“Peeeeeeeeeeter!”
He thinks to himself, “I must hear the last words on my Lord.” He picks himself up and begins to stagger up the hill again. About half way up, the Roman soldiers smash him in the face with a shield, beat him with spear handles and kick him down the hill where he lands on a pile rocks and doesn’t move. Slipping in and out of consciousness he thinks he hears a faint sound once again.
“Peeeeeeeeeeeter!”
Peter’s faith and the undying love of his Lord somehow enable him to begin crawling up the hill again. He is covering only inches at a time but somehow manages to make it to the foot of the cross. He props up a small ladder that the soldiers have left beside the cross and struggles to climb high enough to hear Jesus’ last earthly utterances. As he nears the top of the ladder, he says, “Lord! Oh Lord! Please speak to me!”


“Peeeeeeeeeeeeter!”…………………………



.........................”I can see your house from here”

Irreverent yes….But funny.

 

This isn't a joke, but it's a pretty funny spoof of the FOX News women anchors

Bone

http://wuzzadem.typepad.com/wuz/2005/07/fox_news_anchor.html

 

Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?

 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and blown himself to bits.

 

A man walks into the doctor's office with 2 black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks why, and the man begins his story. "Well, my wife and I went out for a quiet day of golf on Father's Day. She teed off and we watched her ball head straight into a pasture of cows. We walk over to look for it. As I looked around I saw something white on the rear end of a cow, I walk over and sure enough, there's my wife's ball stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. So I lift up the tail, and scream to my wife, hey this looks like yours!

 

Here is one for my old friend Moen:
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat.''Then,' asks the teacher, 'What are you?''Why I'm a proud conservative Republican,' boasts the little girl.The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher, now angry, loudly says, 'That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?
'She pauses, and lets out a smile. 'Then,' Lucy says, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

 

OldDan, that was the best joke yet.


ok my turn,

How many leftwing liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb.
None, they too busy screwing America to do any real work.

 

oh, political humor... here's some:


You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of *****es."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

 

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

 

Where did you get that last one Rick? Did Sam Donaldson write it for you before he was given his new job?

 

"You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare" Rick.

"Give unto Ceaser what is Ceasers"

Get a job and pay your taxes!

"The last shall be first into the kingdom of Heaven"

A perk for earning minimum wage.


They are jokes lefties so don't get to excited and the quotes are general references to the bible. You know the bible lefties,that is the black book in the hotel room that you look thru thinking it is filled with escort services.

 

HA! Yeah, we know the black book you're talking about - it's the one the republicans pick up on sundays to make themselves feel better about how they spend the other six days.

 

Hey Rick. Speaking about Sundays.

How do you get three ACLU lawyers to sit in Church?

You bring in a bar stool and and turn it upside down.

 

Boy, now that would smart!!!!