joke of the day.

So... A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and say "Hey buddy do you know that you have a steering wheel between your legs?" and the pirate looks at him and says "AAARRRR and it's drivin' me nuts"

 

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!

 

The guy might have worked on a carnival fairway.

 

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

: ) means a smile and

: ( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around



(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

 

World's shortest books:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________

A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton

with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi​

 

can also add:

WHAT EDDO UNDERSTANDS ABOUT WOMEN
by eddo

 

Skinny Dipping


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I?ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog?s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he?s a liar! He never did any of that!"

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached Gods holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision."

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, lets make sure hes dead."
Theres a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

 

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Hes telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

 

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40 Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.

 

Hay that's not funny!

 

I once asked a blacksmith "If he'd ever shooed a horse ?" He said "No but I once told a pig to piss off "

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

The PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists and Somali pirates. The implant is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead. When properly implanted it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes;



The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well trained and highly skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, arre temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best Regards
US Navy Seals, and Marines

 

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he' s too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers . The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46. '

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware of the citizen who only has one gun. THEY PROBABLY KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!

8. I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I replied , 'Of course it' s loaded - it doesn't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No, not at all. I' m not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they' re all loaded , too.'

 

LMAO!


Yeah and they're funny because they're true.