joke of the day.

Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 8 just outside of Rapid City one day.

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men, Lars and Sven, in trench coats who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin
opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in the history of the highway. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"Ya, vell my car broke down," says Lena, calmly.

"Okay, so what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.

Lena replied, "Vell, officer....... dose are my emergency flashers!"

Don't ya just love the Norwegians?????

 

Actual newspaper article. NOT a joke:

 

I wonder if there is an earmark in that stimulus plan to give aid to "Carwash Vacuum Sex Addiction".

 

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,

"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?".

"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh What!! You expected clean? From Me?

 

As kids see it:

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes
of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she
applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But
Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'

*****************************************

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment,
and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

*****************************************

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

************************************************

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood
was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a
tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked
wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking
this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you
sooner!'

**************************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No,
how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.

**************************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he
asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'

******************************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

********************************************************

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights.'

********************************************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not
sure..' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm
four to six.'

***************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,'
replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i? and add 'es'.'

****************************************************

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know
what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently.
'It means carrying a child.

*************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said
another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to
a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire
hydrants...

 

(WARNING! EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE! READER BEWARE!)

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.

Just as I finish playing the song with my ****, my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her ****, she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act.

The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.

Once I cum, I run into the audience, ****-covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, "**** the niggers" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.

As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.

My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.

By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to **** in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense **** in his sister's vagina while my daughter ****s in my son's nose.

My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy-**** in her **** make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin ****ing my daughter. My son, blinded in ****, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd.

She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.

By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start ****ing the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.

The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her **** covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law.

My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's ****.

I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns ****ing my daughter and eating the menses and **** out of her tight ****.

Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.

The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to **** the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing **** out of her **** and offering Nazi salutes to the audience.

My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken.

Once my son finishes ****ing the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?"

My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"

I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

 

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale..'

 

My dick is so big...

(HOW BIG IS IT?)

it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jerk me off!

 

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change..

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss..

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.


27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands..

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $20.00 Total: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!

 

How can you tell that there is an elephant in the bathtub with you?

You can smell peanuts on his breath.

 

How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie into it.

 

What kind of bee carries milk?

A boobee.

 

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic and an insomniac??

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there really IS a dog.

 

awww, Doublehelix (aka Mr DizzyMe) used to have that one in his profile at theangrytruth...

 

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

So that he can hide in a cherry tree.

 

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two ladies,

Tammy Lynn & Bel sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.

Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, said Tammy & Bel we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.

 

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming in the ocean?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in a pile of leaves?

Rusell

What do you call two men with no arms or legs hanging around a window?

Curt n' Rod

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who fell in a meat grinder?

Chuck

What do you call a man with no arms or legs haning on the wall?

Art

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a tiger cage?

Claude

What do you call a man with no arms or legs shaving?

Nick

What do you call a man with no arms or legs's waterskiing?

Skip

 

Not to "nick" pick or anything, but how does a guy with no arms or legs shave?

 

Very carefully?