joke of the day.

A group of 15-year-old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street, and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

 

New Business...


Many years ago, my friend worked for a large business. It was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go into business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough so that he could quit and start his own business.

A few years later, I was on vacation passing through the town where my friend's business was located. I stopped by for a visit. I said to him, "I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we're doing pretty well now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."
"Wow! That's pretty nice! Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."

* Editor's note: Ain't that just the truth

 

Rules for Grammar...

It is time to review the rules that we all learned in grammar school. Please take time to review the following primer.

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Avoid cliches like the plague. They're old hat.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

Don't use no double negatives.

Analogies in writing are like water on the back of a duck.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The spell chequer is knot always write

 

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q . Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh .

 

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading,
when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge
and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat
him on a lawn chair.

?My goodness? he exclaimed, ?you are quite old to be driving!?
?Yes? he replied,? I am old enough that I don?t need a license anymore ?
?The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had
a driving licence. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors
out of a drawer, cut the licence into pieces and threw them in the
wastebasket?. ?You won?t be needing this anymore?, he said.

"So I thanked him and left.?

 

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, ?No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!!!

 

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible... Is that true? Where is it?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ......"

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

SMILE, You've still got your
Sense of humor, RIGHT?

 

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond. The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

 

A distraught senior citizen​

Phoned her doctor's office.​

'Is it true,' she wanted to know, ​

'that the medication​

You prescribed has to be taken​

For the rest of my life?'​

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.​

There was a moment of silence​

Before the senior lady replied,​

I'm wondering, then,​

Just how serious is my condition​

Because this prescription is marked​

'NO REFILLS'.'​

***********************​

An older gentleman was ​

On the operating table​

Awaiting surgery​

And he insisted that his son,​

A renowned surgeon,​

Perform the operation.​

As he was about to get the anesthesia,​

He asked to speak to his son​

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '​

'Don't be nervous, son;​

Do your best​

And just remember,​

If it doesn't go well,​

If something happens to me,​

Your mother​

Is going to come and​

Live with you and your wife....'​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!)​

Aging: ​

Eventually you will reach a point ​

When you stop lying about your age​

And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love​

to hear them say "you don't look that old."​

---------------------------------​

The older we get, ​

The fewer things​

Seem worth waiting in line for.​

---------------------------------​

Some people ​

Try to turn back their od ometers.​

Not me!​

I want people to know 'why'​

I look this way.​

I've traveled a long way​

And some of the roads weren't paved.​

********************​

When you are dissatisfied​

And would like to go back to youth,​

Think of Algebra.​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

You know you are getting old when ​

Everything either dries up or leaks.​

-------------------------------​

One of the many things​

No one tells you about aging​

Is that it is such a nice change​

From being young.​

Ah, being young is beautiful,​

But being old is comfortable.​

First you forget names,​

Then you forget faces.​

Then you forget to pull up your zipper.​

It's worse when​

You forget to pull it down.​

---------------------------------​

Long ago ​

When men cursed​

And beat the ground with sticks,​

It was called witchcraft...​

Today, it's called golf. ​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ​

Two guys one old one young​

Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart ​

When they collide.​

The old guy says to the young guy, ​

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,​

And I guess I wasn't paying attention​

To where I was going.​

The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.​

I'm looking for my wife, too...'​

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'​

The old guy says, 'Well, ​

Maybe I can help you find her..​

What does she look like?'​

' The young guy says, ​

'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,​

With red hair,​

Blue eyes, is buxom, wearing no bra,​

Long legs,​

And is wearing short shorts.​

What does your wife look like?'​

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,​

--- let's look for yours.'​

(ADORABLE)​

*********************​

And this final one​

Lord, ​

Keep Your arm around my shoulder,​

And Your hand over my mouth!​

 

Only in San Francisco

 

GHOSTS


A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

 

NUDITY ​

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'​

OPINIONS ​

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'​

KETCHUP ​

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.​

MORE NUDITY ​

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'​

POLICE # 1 ​

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'​

POLICE #2 ​

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?​

ELDERLY ​

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'​

DRESS-UP ​

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' ​

'And why not, darling?' ​

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'​

DEATH ​

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)​

SCHOOL ​

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'​

BIBLE ​

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'​

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT​

 

Not really a joke, but funny.

 

Occupy has been doing just that in Chicago this weekend.