joke of the day.

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted.'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olies' answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. Hecould hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

 

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

 

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and

Grandfathers? Well, here it is:


There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to

spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he

would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for

some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy. -- just him and his

granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't

feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked

forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife

came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for

the drive and breakfast.


When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her

grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with

grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't

see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass,

liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim

camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

That is great.

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate..
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.. The brunette asked, 'What in the world is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...





'Yeah, whatever...

YOU'VE got a driver!!

 

Searching for Love...

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college at 20, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and just looking for an easy girl with big boobs!

 

One day a florist went to his barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The
florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to
open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card
and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and
left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him
at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The
Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next
morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And this, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of mornng.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body...as well as smoking and maintaining irregular hours."

The officer then asked, "Really?...Who would be giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

Maxie and Wife were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Maxie hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

His wife looked at him with disgust....

"You just don't understand do you, you old coot.. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!!"

 

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy SEALs himself.

 

​

 

This is the story of the poor ditzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

(Pause)

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

 

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back... Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

 

LEXIPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS TOGETHER
LOVES LANGUAGE:

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

 

-----Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.


One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.