joke of the day.

You *Might* Be Henpecked if ...

... you wear the pants in the family (under your apron.)
... you come right out and say whatever she tells you to think.
... your wife doesn't have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
... you always have the last word -- and it's always, "Yes Dear."
... the last big decision she let you make was whether to wash or to dry.
... you were a dude before marriage -- now you're subdued.
... you married her for her looks, but not the kind you're getting now.
... she complains about the noise you make -- when you're fixing her breakfast.
... you go to a woman dentist because it's such a relief to be told to open your mouth instead of shut it.
... every once in a while, she comes to you on bended knees -- when she dares you to come out from under the bed!

 

Facebook Shut Down...

What if they decide to shut down Facebook tomorrow? Do you think people would be roaming the streets, shoving photos of themselves in people's faces, yelling "Do you LIKE this?"

 

Dinner for Two

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, Suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under
The table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and Out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and
Unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."

 

PASSWORD!!!?




A lady is helping her husband installing his computer, then
having completed that successfully, she said that he now
should have a password that he would easily remember, so
that he would be able to use his computer when it asked
him his password.
Being a bit of a He man, he winks at his wife and says "penis",
as he enters the password and presses the mouse button, his wife bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter.......

The computer answers, "Too Short" entry refused.

 

Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind...... Probably always on time delay these days.
Feherty Quotes:

Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.

That ball is so far left, Lassie couldnt find it if it was wrapped in bacon.

I am sorry Nick Faldo couldnt be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.

They dont do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. Its like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.

Jim Furyks swing - It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.

Hes (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500.

Describing VJ's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

"That's a great shot with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."

"Everything moves except his bowels."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".

Forward this to any golfers with a sense of humor...

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him
and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
.
.
.

 

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens),
called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize
the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not
performing went into the soup pot and
was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out
an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a
very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the
other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his
bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered
him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded
old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but
they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise"
as well.

 

The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.​

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. ​

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.​

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.​

"What is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. ​

" Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"​

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, ​

" Does she still have the hiccups?"​

 

Little Johnny
All the kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very

excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on

productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout Cookies

and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the

customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said,

"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines

would keep them up on current events and some of the profits would
go to charity."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her

breath ....... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a

box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" shrieked the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you

possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand,

I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, "It is--- wanna buy a toothbrush?
Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.

 

Got to love little Johny.

 

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.​

 

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus.
They shook hands.
As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

She yelled "four" in time, but the ball still hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

 

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."


Vote wisely on
November 2, 2012

 

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

 

An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: WHAT are you doing man?

The cabby answers: In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.

 

I love it.

 

Not really a joke, but....

http://www.flixxy.com/bird-flies-onstage-to-join-the-band.htm