joke of the day.

Etiquette for Rednecks:


GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. Do Not wear a "gimmee" cap on your head and also take your sunglasses off your head. Do NOT wear white socks. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt will create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks (not white) and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

ITS true,, I read it on the Internet and got it in an EMAIL,(Eziekiel's Means of Asking for Illegal Logins)




Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet
started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called....... Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by.... Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move
from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures.....Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's
business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for
insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as
it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot .....replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it
YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young.. Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as.... God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began. So now you know.

 

George Carlin

George Carlin on taking shits



Theres a lot of little phrases in the language that dont say what they mean. Take a sh*t is one. You dont take a sh*t, you leave a sh*t. Thats the whole idea! To leave it!



George Carlin on TV



You can say wee-wee on television. If it happens to your finger its alright. You can wee-wee your finger, just dont finger your wee-wee.



George Carlin on Pro-Lifers



Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldnt want to f*** in the first place?



George Carlin on Euphemisms for Death



...thanks to our fear of death in this country I wont have to die. Ill pass away. Or Ill expire like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital theyll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient care outcome. And if its the result of malpractice theyll say it was a therapeutic misadventure. Im telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill.



George Carlin on Eating



I was what they call a fussy eater. Hes fussy! Hes a fussy eater! Fussy eater is a euphemism for Big pain in the ass.



George Carlin on His Motto



I say live and let live. Thats my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who cant go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.



George Carlin on Counting


There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

 

- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!

 

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but it was very difficult work because the ground was so hard.

His only son, Vincent, who use to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m.. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area---without finding a single body. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

 

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it" And so on and on and on . . .

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.

He whirled around and screamed: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

 

TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN



(I think this came from Letterman's Show)











#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.







#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.







#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.







#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.







#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.







#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.







#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.







#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"







#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.







And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....







#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

 

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked on the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

 

Effective Immediately

: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing and carrying a Gucci bag and wearing Prada shoes
, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

***** 1 through 4, NN Council Member's are Excluded*****

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture
will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.

Nationial Personnel Management Dress Code

 

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:

A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:

The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .

SALMON DAY:

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM :

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING :

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO :

The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs:

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY:

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT:

An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY:

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.



IRRITAINMENT:

Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE :

The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404:

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.

GENERICA :

Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNO SECOND:

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

WOOFS:

Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING:

Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.


While in route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.


The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."


"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you."


"HE paid for our new cabin cruiser."


"HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets."


"HE paid for our house at the lake."


"HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
dues!"


Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"


The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches
cold."

 

Come on old salt, get your arse out of bed and entertain us again!

What's the best kind of date to bring on a picnic? One who arches her back so your balls don't get grassed stained.

"Waiter this coffee tastes like mud "
" Yes sir it's fresh ground"

In the first year of marriage the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year they both speak and the neighbours listen.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest 'member' she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "He says, what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, the correct answer was Africa!!!

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

Back by popular demand....

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said .... 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'










Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......



'They won't let me fart'.

 

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

 

Merry Christmas...

You think you've got troubles...
Just listen to this.
All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly old socks, ugly cross dogs. and one butt hole had a big fire going! I have been shot at, mistaken for a lousy stork. I've also got the jock itch. I have been driving all night in the snow and damn near got killed by a 747!!!
Mrs. Claus is pissed off ...(I got in too late!!!) And that isn't all...
Some smart ass left cookies and prune juice for Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph! They got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit!! The damn Elves wont clean the sleigh unless I pay the little bastards 'Double-Time'!
I am so sick of milk and cookies I could throw-up!! The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh! (and they still hurt!) My prostate is giving me hell, pissed my pants at 20,000ft. and froze to the seat!! And I'm allergic to those damn pine needles, and I itch all over!!!
Now that I want to rest, my damn hemorrhoids are back!!!!

And you sit around with that "HO! HO! HO!" sh*t!?

Merry Christmas, your ass!

 

Penguin Car Troubles


A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. he sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."