joke of the day.

Boys: Mrs. Jones, can Jimmy come out and play?

Mrs. Jones: Boys, you know Jimmy doesn't have any arms or legs.

Boys: That's OK, we want to use him for third base.

 

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Leukemia

 

THREE WISHES FROM THE OBAMA FAIRY

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --

PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these tore cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans.

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Balt imore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'




The fairy said TOO BAD, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

And she disappeared.

 

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

How do you keep a clown from smiling?












hit him in the face with an ax.

 

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
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Because she was a woman.

 

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....

"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

A baby seal walked into a club.

 

Buh dum bah

 

BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast special:



You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

 

Little boy: Mommy, Mommy, I hate sister's guts.
Not PC Mommy: Shut up, and eat 'em while they are hot.

 

Umm...

http://justbs.us/off-topic-bs/32065-joke-of-the-day-2.html#post85232

 

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Bubba and Annie.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my nuts and a car hit me..

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 

An old pollack bursts into a saloon carrying a double heaping handful of horsesh!t and says, "Look at what I almost stepped in!".

 

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do
not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was
quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic
rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku
Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.

 

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.


They grow up so fast, don't they?

 

Speaking of women's birthdays...

Lorena Bobbitt was in the news the other day... Apparently she got into a traffic accident.







... Yeah









...some dick cut her off...

 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect
timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: Who?

Cabbie: Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did
everything right all the time. Like my coming along when
you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman
every single time.

Passenger: There are always a few clouds over
everybody.

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf
with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star nd you should have heard him play the
piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really
special.

Cabbie: There's more... He had a memory like a
computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
he could do everything right.

Passenger: Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic
and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get
stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he
really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He
would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a
mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.
I married his fukking widow.

 

poor IWS, can't aviod the language filter no matter where you go.