15 December Puns

150 days to Christmas.

 

155 days to Holy Family Day (December 30).

 

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4189B92E.EFBC3AD8@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > ynotssor wrote:
> >
> > > "Apple Betty" <applebetty@xtra.co.nz> wrote in message
> > > news:NXdCb.26835$VV6.622015@news.xtra.co.nz
> > >
> > > > When I talk to my tree, it leaves...
> > >
> > > A pear antly, it's knot your bud. You mite have to use a pistil on it.
> >
> > Oh, shoot.
>
> More triggernometry, I see.

Right on!

Left off!

 

170 days to Martin Luther King Day (January 15).

 

200 days to Valentine's Day on February 14.

 

Bob Crowley wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:<40EB9452.FD72A10D@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>...
> > Jenni Saqua wrote:
> >
> > > "Cybe R. Wizard" <Cybe_R_Wizard@WizardsTower> wrote in message
> > > news:20040130153752.47de3cf5.Cybe_R_Wizard@WizardsTower...
> > > > On Fri, 30 Jan 2004 12:08:11 -0500
> > > > "Greg Evans" <misterx@larkbooks.com> wrote:
> > > > > nemo wrote:
> > > > > > Tim Bruening wrote:
> > > > > >> Palema wrote:
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>> My daughter gave me this:
> > > > > >>> "Mortar, morter everywhere and not a rock to chink!"
> > > > > >> Now that's an explosively good pun!
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Howitzer good pun, I cannot see.
> > > > >
> > > > > You don't think it should be added to the classic-pun cannon,
then?
> > > > >
> > > > I think we should be kind and give the green aid.
> > > >
> > > We don't wanna think that smaw, do we?
> >
> > I'll C4 and raze you 10.
>
> Ye'll naepalm that one off me, laddie.

Napalm: A burning tree.

 

140 days to the anniversary of the first airplane flight (December 17).

 

nemo wrote:

"Tim Bruening" <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:43881547.BF78F152@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
>
> shelly <scouvrette@bluemarble.net> wrote in message
> news:<Pine.BSF.4.56.0410140948050.58891@tesla.bluemarble.net>...
> > on 2004-10-14 at 05:05 <vijaynats@yahoo.com> wrote:
> >
> > >It's my pleasure to stretch it longer!
> >
> > won't *somebody* think of the kittens?
>
> Kitten: The 10th do it yourself package.

A do it yourself package??

What is it? A cardboard box, some brown paper, some string, packing
tape and
a label, and something to put inside it, and a set of instructions?

Isaac Asimov once wrote a story during a TV interview in which some men
on a space station ordered a robot that could assemble anything, and
received a box containing said robot in pieces!

 

Immortality: A tea which enables you to live forever.

Mortality: A deadly tea.

Parallality: A tea which keeps you parallel with a line or wall.

Possibility: A tea which boosts your imagination.

 

About: One boxing match.

Abutter: One item to put on bread.

Acorn: One kernel of a yellow vegetable.

Admix: Get another mixing bowl.

Albacore: Center of all sheep.

 

ynotssor wrote:

> "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" <tonworthyCLOTHES@SexMagnet.com> wrote in
> message news:4103fc24$0$25470$45beb828@newscene.com
>
> > 29 years now? Wow, that *is* quite a camping trip! Hey, you didn't
> > happen to jump out of an airliner with a big bag of cash did you?
>
> I can honestly say that I've only made one jump from a Boeing 727 in my
> life, and that was from 15,000 ft.

I didn't know that such planes could serve parachutters.

 

nemo wrote:

> "Tim Bruening" <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:44CF0917.3AAEE3FD@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:44CB0B47.BAE97F13@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > > "J. A. Mc." wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > On Tue, 13 Jan 2004 21:09:19 -0500, "Kathy" <tnktachuk@cogeco.ca>
> found
> > > > > these unused words floating about:
> > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"dustbird" <dustbird@cross.wind> wrote in message
> > > > > >news:bu1aeg$jke@library1.airnews.net...
> > > > > >> Professor Miller is the author of numerous papers on the
> > > > > >social-sharing
> > > > > >> mechanisms and economic distribution systems of non-human
> species.
> > > One of
> > > > > >> his most intriguing studies was his observations of the gray
> squirrel
> > > (S.
> > > > > >> carolinensis) of the North American east and midwest. In one
> > > prolonged
> > > > > >field
> > > > > >> encampment, during a drought cycle in which the trees produced
> only a
> > > > > >> minimum of nuts, he concentrated his research on one particular
> > > squirrel
> > > > > >> family. He noticed that the male parental squirrel would crack a
> nut
> > > into
> > > > > >> four equal pieces, and distribute the pieces to his mate and
> their
> > > two
> > > > > >> female offspring. Fortunately, Professor Miller did not have to
> eat
> > > > > >squirrel
> > > > > >> fare himself, as his graduate students had packed along a nice
> field
> > > diet
> > > > > >> that included premium mixed nuts, dried beluga caviar, and
> dehydrated
> > > > > >> chocolate cheesecakes, the Professor's favorite rations. After
> > > completed
> > > > > >his
> > > > > >> observations, he returned to his Chair at an elite University,
> and
> > > > > >published
> > > > > >> a paper about his field work in the New England Journal of Social
> > > Zoology.
> > > > > >> Impressed by the astonished implications of his study for a more
> > > > > >> compassionate human economy, his peers nominated him for the
> Nobel
> > > Prize,
> > > > > >> even though a few thought his reasoning was squirrelly. But
> though
> > > > > >> Professor Miller protested earnestly that his paper was original,
> it
> > > was
> > > > > >> quickly rejected by the Nobel Prize committee as being a
> plagiarism
> > > of an
> > > > > >> earlier famous work. The title of his paper was "To Halve and To
> > > Halve
> > > > > >Nut."
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >Did he halve his Quarterly Report ready on time?
> > > > > >
> > > > > The hungry cannibal wanted his friend to halve a heart on him.
> {JAMc}
> > > >
> > > > Cannibal: Male bovine that eats beef.
> > >
> > > Cannybul: Mean shrewd male bovine who canny bear to part with any money.
> >
> > How about a candy bear?
> >
>
> I knew a girl called Candy. I never saw her bear though. My cousin did -
> lucky sod!

Your cousin is married to her?

 

225 days to Pi Day (3/14).

 

235 days since Human Rights Day (December 10).

 

25 days since 7/7.

 

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4041ED5A.FD273B86@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:403DBDD4.974AC221@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > B-10: The bee who lost.
> > >
> > > Beanie: Part of a bee's anatomy you wear on your head.
> > >
> > > Base Ball Cap: Covering for spherical objects in the nether
regions
> usually
> > > referred to using a rude word from the Nether Lands, or is that
> bollocks?!
> >
> > Like a condom? (*Those* ones are called Wellington Boots over here!)

> >
> Sentence in murder case or whole country manufacturing rubbers:
> Condomnation.

Sentencing: What the judge sings at the end of a trial.

 

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4041ECA6.560B9C3D@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:403DB6E9.49724ED2@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > Ascending: Rising bell.
> > > >
> > > > Descending: Falling bell.
> > > >
> > > > Pending: A bell that writes.
> > > >
> > > > RC: Ocean of rear ends or donkeys.
> > > >
> > > > Vending: Ringing stores.
> > > >
> > > Nope. It's on a notice in Jackie Mason's doctor's surgery:
> > >
> > > "Vending goes da bell, walks de next patient in please."
> > >
> > > (Noah fence!)
> >
> > I thought that Noah built an ark, not a fence.
> >
>
> That was beef whore he was instructed to take up emergency shipbuilding.
>
> And he used to work at night - under ark lights!

Beef whore: Mad Cow Hooker?

 

nemo wrote:

> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4195ACAE.8A9AC25B@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:41942BE2.DC428CDC@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > nemo wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > news:41930A1E.CD165321@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > > nemo wrote:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > > > news:4191B108.7E8F9C86@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > > > > > Compeer: Computer colleague.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Compel: Charismatic computer.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Compete: Computer that likes to race.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Competition: Computer political activist.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Compose: A robot standing in a silly way.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Compose: Computer poetry
> > > > > >
> > > > > Robots write poems in HEX,
> > > > > While standing on big metal legs.
> > > > > The long stream of bits,
> > > > > Can get on your tits
> > > > > Till you plug up your ears with some pegs!
> > > > >
> > > > > Boom Boom!
> > > >
> > > > Do witches write in HEX also?
> > > >
> > > Nope. When they put a hex on some poor sod, they write it in cursive -
> > > except when the victim is a weaver. Then they write it in Littera
> Textura.
> >
> > Cursive: Dog writing.
> >
> Narr. That's a wire mesh strainer thing for forcing dogs through to make dog
> pur?e.

Kirkland: Nation of Trekkers.

Trekker: Dog in space.

Trekkie: Key to space.

 

nemo wrote:

> Randolf Richardson <rr@8x.ca> wrote in message
> news:Xns95BB7DC256ABDrr8xca@24.64.223.211...
> > ""nemo" <nemo@newtylust.nit>" wrote in alt.humor.puns:
> > > Randolf Richardson <rr@8x.ca> wrote in message
> > > news:Xns95BAF10B223F8rr8xca@24.64.223.211...
> > >> ""nemo" <nemo@newtylust.nit>" wrote in alt.humor.puns:
> > >>> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > >>> news:41B80605.27FD0B07@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > >>>> nemo wrote:
> > >>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > >>>>> news:4041ECA6.560B9C3D@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > >>>>>> nemo wrote:
> > >>>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > >>>>>>> news:403DB6E9.49724ED2@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> Ascending: Rising bell.
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> Descending: Falling bell.
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> Pending: A bell that writes.
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> RC: Ocean of rear ends or donkeys.
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> Vending: Ringing stores.
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>> Nope. It's on a notice in Jackie Mason's doctor's surgery:
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>> "Vending goes da bell, walks de next patient in please."
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>> (Noah fence!)
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> I thought that Noah built an ark, not a fence.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> That was beef whore he was instructed to take up emergency
> > >>>>> shipbuilding.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> And he used to work at night - under ark lights!
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Beef whore: Mad Cow Hooker?
> > >>>
> > >>> Careful. She might give you Creutzfeldt Jack-off disease!
> > >>
> > >> I'm sure glad I don't have a steak in that industry.
> > >
> > > Quite right. Some of the girls' minders carry knives and trying to
> > > steak a claim can bring you out in the most terrible pimp holes.
> >
> > It's probably the most dangerous occupation in the world -- there are many
> > a hero-in who just end up gone; Eerie as can be when they're found dead!
> >
> > --
> It's about time they found dead a special agency to deal with this sort of
> thing.

Homeland Security?

 

nemo wrote:

> Mary had a little lamb,
> The Midwife nearly died.
> To add to the astonishment
> It came out ready-fried!
>
> Mary had a little lamb.
> Shock killed the Obstetrician.
> The answer, though, was quickly found:
> She'd married a magician!
>
> Boom boom! Two in a row!!

Who was the lambda?